You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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