The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
