This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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