my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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