They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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