Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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