my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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