I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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