the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
