Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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