Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
