Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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