i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Randomize
