I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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