dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
