nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
