he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
