Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
