I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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