The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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