He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
