The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
