I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
