i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
