I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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