$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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