I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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