I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
