Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
