i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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