I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
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