I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
