I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
