but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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