Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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