i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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