Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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