You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
