Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
