Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
