Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
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I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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