It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.