just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.