you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
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My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"