There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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