I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
