Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
