This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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