I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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