Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
