I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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