Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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