she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
