so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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