as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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