M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
