Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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