i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
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Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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