your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
