What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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