Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
