just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
vagina is talking i cant
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
